So it's been 11 pounds since we talked last. Looking at this blog really brings things into perspective for me, it's quite a gift even if I am the only one to read it. So thank you Google, for creating blogger and maintain my tripe for eternity on the internet, and also thank you to the Goddess of Earth for giving me the serenity to even attempt this. That is, my recovery.
Now I'm really starting to sound like those old bitties at the meetings I go to. I've not had anything near to perfect abstinence; and piece of bread here, a handful of nuts there, but I have not binged on cookies or ice cream or candy once in about five weeks. And let me remind you, that binging is something I desperately want to do. I want to buy a bag of cookies and just eat till I can't anymore. I want to go to a McDonalds and order everything on the menu. I want to feel sickeningly full. I want to despair and give up this program, my car littered with candy wrappers, the peanut/chocolate grease still laying thick on my tongue and then proceed to plan my next gluttony fest. Seriously, I really do. Yet somehow, I'm not.
Nothing could have stopped me from going out and doing exactly that before, I can see it happening now, actually in just 15 or 20 minutes from now. Walking into the store, finding my junk, going to the register... Compulsive Overeating is so totally a sickness. I have daydreams about freaking Ring Dings and Ho Hos. I actually regret this program in a lot of ways. I want to eat! And now I can't, but I really wish I could. More than anything, almost. What insanity!
I know that all my body needs is what I am giving it. That's all. I stay fed and continue living day after day, so I know it's true. What I really want however is VERY different.
Is this abstinence? Can it be called 'recovery' when I crave these things so much? I am told that these feelings will pass in time, but I have no idea how. THAT would be the miracle. THAT would affirm my Higher Power. Not wanting to gorge on cakes and desserts for every moment that I am awake, I'd like that. Loving my salad, or lusting for my bran cereal the way I do for Chubby Hubby would be good too.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
359- Here comes the crazy
Weighed myself again. Wasn't supposed to. Lost two pounds. Was not enough. I sat there and freaked out, wondering if i'd plateaued or was eating too much or whatever. I was about to start cutting more food out of my plan without consulting Bill. Two pounds in three days is pretty damn good as far as I know but in that ten or fifteen minute span, I was really desperate to lose more weight. Somehow this is a feeling I have never had before.
I want to lose weight for health and image reasons (becoming a sexy stud among them), but I never considered doing anything drastic about it. OA is full of bulimics, compulsive exercisers, anorexics and others. I never did any of those things. I never felt so desperate as these people seem to have been. Also, I really liked eating sometimes. I had gotten to the point where scarfing a bag or Oreos in the supermarket parking lot was a pleasant experience. Sometimes.
People have always told me that I'm comfortable in my skin, in my voluminous skin. I felt that way as well in an image sense except when in front of a mirror. I was always surprised at my girth. I still am. I'd always think, "Who's the fat guy?"
What drove me to OA was the physical labor of just getting around and the fear of illness. When I got my first taste of abstinence, I realized I was crazy too, but now it feels like I have a different crazy coming on. The 'after school special' kind of crazy where I HAVE to be the prom queen or something. That I must get thinner even faster. Is this good? A step forward for me, joining the body-zeitgeist of society? Gawd I dunno.
I know that I'm getting a little desperate to see results. This weighing I'm not supposed to be doing is evidence to that. It feels like if I'm cutting off this limb of mine, the eating limb that I could always count on, the friend that was never busy, that I should be getting the kickback of being thin. NOW. 18 pounds lost apparently does not turn you into the at-stud uber-male. Well that implies getting loads of sex too, perhaps I should warn my wife about this so she can clear her calendar. Heh. But that a ways off.
The point is if I'm not happy now, when will I be happy with my body? Was I ever really happy with it at all? I can't binge anymore. I just cant. And going forward I must measure my food and stay on plan. When am I going to be happy about it? That's what I want to know.
I want to lose weight for health and image reasons (becoming a sexy stud among them), but I never considered doing anything drastic about it. OA is full of bulimics, compulsive exercisers, anorexics and others. I never did any of those things. I never felt so desperate as these people seem to have been. Also, I really liked eating sometimes. I had gotten to the point where scarfing a bag or Oreos in the supermarket parking lot was a pleasant experience. Sometimes.
People have always told me that I'm comfortable in my skin, in my voluminous skin. I felt that way as well in an image sense except when in front of a mirror. I was always surprised at my girth. I still am. I'd always think, "Who's the fat guy?"
What drove me to OA was the physical labor of just getting around and the fear of illness. When I got my first taste of abstinence, I realized I was crazy too, but now it feels like I have a different crazy coming on. The 'after school special' kind of crazy where I HAVE to be the prom queen or something. That I must get thinner even faster. Is this good? A step forward for me, joining the body-zeitgeist of society? Gawd I dunno.
I know that I'm getting a little desperate to see results. This weighing I'm not supposed to be doing is evidence to that. It feels like if I'm cutting off this limb of mine, the eating limb that I could always count on, the friend that was never busy, that I should be getting the kickback of being thin. NOW. 18 pounds lost apparently does not turn you into the at-stud uber-male. Well that implies getting loads of sex too, perhaps I should warn my wife about this so she can clear her calendar. Heh. But that a ways off.
The point is if I'm not happy now, when will I be happy with my body? Was I ever really happy with it at all? I can't binge anymore. I just cant. And going forward I must measure my food and stay on plan. When am I going to be happy about it? That's what I want to know.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
361
Wasn't supposed to get on the scale until January 1st, but I did anyway. I know the reasons why Bill wants it that way but, I was weak. As a matter of fact I've been lying to him about a few things. Nothing major, but when you call in your food every night and you were too full to eat a salad along with you pile of cooked veggies, 6ozs of meat and a baked potato, how do you tell a guy, "Hey I know I was an eating champ yesterday but now I just can't finish what's on my food plan!".
When I lie usually it's usually about things I didn't eat as opposed to things that I did, though once I ate a quarter of pita that came with a lunch salad. Flour is a no no now. I don't seem to be getting the same kind of crazy hunger all the time this time, my first bout of abstinence was much rougher at this point but that's not a big deal.
I read in the big book and have heard it again and again in meetings that this is a program that requires absolute honesty, both with ones self and with the outside world. It's the outside part that I can't hack it seems. Lying was always the way I knew I could evade all responsibility, that no matter what I could soften things for myself with a few well placed words. Growing up there were very few people that this would not work on, so it became a major habit for me. It was also the way I could hoodwink people I didn't like to feel better about myself. I would lie just to pull one over on you, just for kicks. As my relationship with my wife deepened, it became obvious to me finally that I couldn't go on like that. So the lying stopped, mostly.
What began then was a regime of subtle omission and misdirection. Rather than conjure up huge events and story lines for myself to have lived it was smaller things I played with, especially when reality reflected poorly on me. It worked for a long long time, but I was caught in stupid, senseless lies a few times and now I am TRYING to knock it off. It's been better, but when I'm not thinking... out comes a lie.
It's hard for me in a way I think because there are things that I have told and retold as amazing exploits from my past (usually funny things), that my wife and friends still think are true. People that I never met firmly placed in her history of me. It isn't as grand as the tales I'd dream up when I was younger, but it more like "Remember that time when..." and "Where is so and so now? They sound really cool. We should look them up!" It's a kind of stupid shame that I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to get out from under. You my humble reader, are the first person I've ever mentioned this to. Don't tell anyone, alright?
At any rate, leaving out financial details or the fact that I surf for porn when she's not around seems somehow smaller in comparison to the fake events I created. In those particular instances there are bunch of other issues tied in, but my point is that being honest with her and everyone else seems really hard for me. So Bill has been lied to, and I'm guessing my program has suffered for it.
That was one of the major issues that I had with Josh, the lying to him started there just like it did here. In the end I was in total denial of my fucked-up program, in a state where I could eat whatever I wanted as long as I didn't TELL him about it. Go figure! No wonder I stopped calling him. I felt so terrible about it I gained back 30 pounds in less than a month. It wasn't his fault clearly, but perhaps I wasn't ready. Am I ready now? I can't know. I hope so.
Things have been much better for me health wise, and I'm gaining belt notches and stuff like that. It's all very heartening.
When I lie usually it's usually about things I didn't eat as opposed to things that I did, though once I ate a quarter of pita that came with a lunch salad. Flour is a no no now. I don't seem to be getting the same kind of crazy hunger all the time this time, my first bout of abstinence was much rougher at this point but that's not a big deal.
I read in the big book and have heard it again and again in meetings that this is a program that requires absolute honesty, both with ones self and with the outside world. It's the outside part that I can't hack it seems. Lying was always the way I knew I could evade all responsibility, that no matter what I could soften things for myself with a few well placed words. Growing up there were very few people that this would not work on, so it became a major habit for me. It was also the way I could hoodwink people I didn't like to feel better about myself. I would lie just to pull one over on you, just for kicks. As my relationship with my wife deepened, it became obvious to me finally that I couldn't go on like that. So the lying stopped, mostly.
What began then was a regime of subtle omission and misdirection. Rather than conjure up huge events and story lines for myself to have lived it was smaller things I played with, especially when reality reflected poorly on me. It worked for a long long time, but I was caught in stupid, senseless lies a few times and now I am TRYING to knock it off. It's been better, but when I'm not thinking... out comes a lie.
It's hard for me in a way I think because there are things that I have told and retold as amazing exploits from my past (usually funny things), that my wife and friends still think are true. People that I never met firmly placed in her history of me. It isn't as grand as the tales I'd dream up when I was younger, but it more like "Remember that time when..." and "Where is so and so now? They sound really cool. We should look them up!" It's a kind of stupid shame that I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to get out from under. You my humble reader, are the first person I've ever mentioned this to. Don't tell anyone, alright?
At any rate, leaving out financial details or the fact that I surf for porn when she's not around seems somehow smaller in comparison to the fake events I created. In those particular instances there are bunch of other issues tied in, but my point is that being honest with her and everyone else seems really hard for me. So Bill has been lied to, and I'm guessing my program has suffered for it.
That was one of the major issues that I had with Josh, the lying to him started there just like it did here. In the end I was in total denial of my fucked-up program, in a state where I could eat whatever I wanted as long as I didn't TELL him about it. Go figure! No wonder I stopped calling him. I felt so terrible about it I gained back 30 pounds in less than a month. It wasn't his fault clearly, but perhaps I wasn't ready. Am I ready now? I can't know. I hope so.
Things have been much better for me health wise, and I'm gaining belt notches and stuff like that. It's all very heartening.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
370
Get used to seeing that on my posts as my new sponsor only wants me weighing myself once every month. I knew that jumping on the scale everyday during my first bout of abstinence was not a good idea, but at the time it was the only thing I was getting out of program. Now that I am in step study the focus is on having a spiritual connection with my higher power. This connection is what is going to sustain me now, so the book and Bill say.
Now we had arrived at Step Three in the process. In regards to that I am a man who has had congress with the divine and the not-so-normal by my own estimation, and as a result I have no delusion that divinity is not real or that there is no guiding force in the cosmos, so why is Three such a hard sell? I just can't see this power as a part of myself. In it's presence I was so confounded by it's size and scope, it was an impossibility ingrained in every little thing that exists. You hear this a lot if you study these sorts of things, it was for a moment as plain as my hand or a tree but the feeling of this presence was temporary.
I can remember the feeling but do not have a way to put that knowledge to use. Also, and I think this is the crux of the issue, I felt this power was separate from myself. Somehow I was inert in this world of the 'divine body' that I had sensed. Was it simply because I was an observer? Or was I too distracted to notice my own role in that fantastic place? Even now I know that that power is in the keys I am typing on and in the air I'm breathing, I simply cannot sense it. Now I'm not telling you that I am a prophet or that this experience was even planned in any way shape or form, but it certainly did happen.
Now how in the heck is that supposed to help me stop eating? A fair question I think. In that moment I sensed the being that encompasses us all, not a god but a goddess. An Earth Mother to be exact. She did not create us in her image, nor did she send floods and trials upon a gang of well informed unfortunates in ancient times, she simply is. That being said and understanding that all of her creations are equal in importance, why is my eating problem going to stir a being with nary even a concept of a Ho Ho? This is my problem.
I find myself reading "We Agnostics" and finding much that I relate to. The judeo-christian Yahweh is omnipotent and all powerful by report, so imagining such a being using an influence of a sort to keep boston cream pie from my mouth makes sense. After all if he is "all-powerful" he's got power to spare. Why not help a soul who is suffering if he prays? I certainly would. Unfortunately I am cursed with divine knowledge as opposed to religious knowledge and the situation in the big book does not add up for me.
I'm not saying that I don't believe that millions of christians also feel this disconnection from their God, I'm just sitting a different part of the same space. For me the divine is a fact and the conflict is my role within it, for the typical christian my guess is that the existence of the divine itself is the issue and the resulting conflict therefore being religious teaching versus reality, or at least the perception of reality. In the end who knows? I've been wrong enough times to know I will probably be wrong again.
I can say with an amount of certainty that I think OA is working for me right now. Bill is pretty much exactly what I need in a sponsor and the step process is going to be good for me. It's funny, even as I am writing this I am having terrible food thoughts... :P It's nice to feel that I won't be giving into them today at least.
Now we had arrived at Step Three in the process. In regards to that I am a man who has had congress with the divine and the not-so-normal by my own estimation, and as a result I have no delusion that divinity is not real or that there is no guiding force in the cosmos, so why is Three such a hard sell? I just can't see this power as a part of myself. In it's presence I was so confounded by it's size and scope, it was an impossibility ingrained in every little thing that exists. You hear this a lot if you study these sorts of things, it was for a moment as plain as my hand or a tree but the feeling of this presence was temporary.
I can remember the feeling but do not have a way to put that knowledge to use. Also, and I think this is the crux of the issue, I felt this power was separate from myself. Somehow I was inert in this world of the 'divine body' that I had sensed. Was it simply because I was an observer? Or was I too distracted to notice my own role in that fantastic place? Even now I know that that power is in the keys I am typing on and in the air I'm breathing, I simply cannot sense it. Now I'm not telling you that I am a prophet or that this experience was even planned in any way shape or form, but it certainly did happen.
Now how in the heck is that supposed to help me stop eating? A fair question I think. In that moment I sensed the being that encompasses us all, not a god but a goddess. An Earth Mother to be exact. She did not create us in her image, nor did she send floods and trials upon a gang of well informed unfortunates in ancient times, she simply is. That being said and understanding that all of her creations are equal in importance, why is my eating problem going to stir a being with nary even a concept of a Ho Ho? This is my problem.
I find myself reading "We Agnostics" and finding much that I relate to. The judeo-christian Yahweh is omnipotent and all powerful by report, so imagining such a being using an influence of a sort to keep boston cream pie from my mouth makes sense. After all if he is "all-powerful" he's got power to spare. Why not help a soul who is suffering if he prays? I certainly would. Unfortunately I am cursed with divine knowledge as opposed to religious knowledge and the situation in the big book does not add up for me.
I'm not saying that I don't believe that millions of christians also feel this disconnection from their God, I'm just sitting a different part of the same space. For me the divine is a fact and the conflict is my role within it, for the typical christian my guess is that the existence of the divine itself is the issue and the resulting conflict therefore being religious teaching versus reality, or at least the perception of reality. In the end who knows? I've been wrong enough times to know I will probably be wrong again.
I can say with an amount of certainty that I think OA is working for me right now. Bill is pretty much exactly what I need in a sponsor and the step process is going to be good for me. It's funny, even as I am writing this I am having terrible food thoughts... :P It's nice to feel that I won't be giving into them today at least.
Monday, November 26, 2007
back to the void
My weight is a mystery at the moment, but I am re-committing to the process. I can't tell you how crazy it feels to be posting here again, but I am because I did actually get to a meeting last night, my Sunday meeting. Also I have a new sponsor, we're calling him Bill. It's a Big Book Step Study meeting and for those who know about such things good, if not read this http://www.bbstepstudy.org/hyannis/how.php I haven't read it all but it seems to have the right idea. In the most rudimentary sense OA is directly derived from AA so study of it's seminal text "Alcoholics Anonymous" would clearly seem like a good idea. So far I can see that it does help people in a real way.
Right now Bill is my Step Study sponsor, and I don't currently have a food sponsor. Somehow I hope that he can do both, but we really haven't talked about the process in detail yet. I have a reading assignment to do, read pages 1-63 of the Big Book in the greatest possible detail. After that I call him and we go from there.
A quick synopsis of the last month or so is that I am gaining a lot of weight, freaking out about being a new dad, and generally making things harder for everyone around me. My son is pretty awesome, but I am still adjusting to him being there and needing my attention so much of the time. I thought that being married was a major project! I am happy of course but I'm happy/scared/enraged/nervous/tired. Really tired. There is so much emotion and so little time. I doubt I'm the first person to be thinking/writing in these terms but the change is so dramatic.
The simple fact is that the more active he is the less time there is for whatever I was doing before. My hobbies and books and projects are all basically kaput for the time being, and it's really bugging me. So what I am I doing? I eat over it. Well as of right now I have been abstinent for 7 hours, I know that being a better father starts with my own sanity. I have a serious fear that I may never know the peace of abstinence and I think that that fear is all I really have pushing me on at the moment, but it's enough for now.
When I was younger and I had screwed up my college education beyond repair I entered a depression that lasted nearly a year. When I somehow realized a way out of it and a future for myself it felt like I was travelling away from the void. It was palpable to me then that feeling of movement. Yet no matter how far I felt I had gone it was still there waiting patiently. Now I can only feel like I'm heading back there, but I have more tools at my disposal now. I just can't hide from it any longer.
Right now Bill is my Step Study sponsor, and I don't currently have a food sponsor. Somehow I hope that he can do both, but we really haven't talked about the process in detail yet. I have a reading assignment to do, read pages 1-63 of the Big Book in the greatest possible detail. After that I call him and we go from there.
A quick synopsis of the last month or so is that I am gaining a lot of weight, freaking out about being a new dad, and generally making things harder for everyone around me. My son is pretty awesome, but I am still adjusting to him being there and needing my attention so much of the time. I thought that being married was a major project! I am happy of course but I'm happy/scared/enraged/nervous/tired. Really tired. There is so much emotion and so little time. I doubt I'm the first person to be thinking/writing in these terms but the change is so dramatic.
The simple fact is that the more active he is the less time there is for whatever I was doing before. My hobbies and books and projects are all basically kaput for the time being, and it's really bugging me. So what I am I doing? I eat over it. Well as of right now I have been abstinent for 7 hours, I know that being a better father starts with my own sanity. I have a serious fear that I may never know the peace of abstinence and I think that that fear is all I really have pushing me on at the moment, but it's enough for now.
When I was younger and I had screwed up my college education beyond repair I entered a depression that lasted nearly a year. When I somehow realized a way out of it and a future for myself it felt like I was travelling away from the void. It was palpable to me then that feeling of movement. Yet no matter how far I felt I had gone it was still there waiting patiently. Now I can only feel like I'm heading back there, but I have more tools at my disposal now. I just can't hide from it any longer.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
372?
Well I guess if I tell you, "I haven't been to a meeting yet since we last talked", you can probably guess how I've been. I've got to be a moron, expecting to work program and not attend any meetings. My life is so much more hectic now, getting an hour here or there is a lot harder than it was before, but I seriously shouln't have anything to say here until I go to a meeting. Will that stop me? Not sure but I am going to try to switch some things around to get to my old Wednesday night meeting. Josh is sure to be there but I gotta get on with this.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
meal plan?
How about this for a half-assed do-it-myself meal plan?
3 meals
no drive-thrus
no extra with meals
no snacking in-between
no sweets
no fried stuff, chips or dips
no binging
Seems pretty complete without measuring or whatever. I could probably get around the restrictions though. 'No extra' is pretty subjective. I guess the extra is the whole problem. I could probably fit and entire life of overeating in that subjective wiggle room. That's why I guess a lot of people call and give their food list in the morning. "Hello again, today I'm eating this and this and 8 oz of this and blah blah blah..." It's not so bad at the start but after the 50th call, it really feels forced. I think even the best food sponsor is going to run out of novel encouragements by then. I don't want to impose after all. Can't I just send an email? I seriously just want to eat and not worry about ounces and stuff.
My tombstone, "1974-2008 Didn't want to measure his food."
Can you imagine I haven't been to a meeting in two weeks? I bet you can. This blog is a kind of clearing house for my mind. I'm hoping that I can look at the words here and understand a little about how messed up I am. After that, I am hoping this new found understanding will lead to new will to continue the struggle beyond idle thinking. This is all an experiment. It can't be all bad seeing as my step study meeting is all about writing stuff down and reading it and obsessing about who you hate and why you shouldn't hate and why you're scared and stuff. I can do that here. I can eat a classic triple in two minutes too.
3 meals
no drive-thrus
no extra with meals
no snacking in-between
no sweets
no fried stuff, chips or dips
no binging
Seems pretty complete without measuring or whatever. I could probably get around the restrictions though. 'No extra' is pretty subjective. I guess the extra is the whole problem. I could probably fit and entire life of overeating in that subjective wiggle room. That's why I guess a lot of people call and give their food list in the morning. "Hello again, today I'm eating this and this and 8 oz of this and blah blah blah..." It's not so bad at the start but after the 50th call, it really feels forced. I think even the best food sponsor is going to run out of novel encouragements by then. I don't want to impose after all. Can't I just send an email? I seriously just want to eat and not worry about ounces and stuff.
My tombstone, "1974-2008 Didn't want to measure his food."
Can you imagine I haven't been to a meeting in two weeks? I bet you can. This blog is a kind of clearing house for my mind. I'm hoping that I can look at the words here and understand a little about how messed up I am. After that, I am hoping this new found understanding will lead to new will to continue the struggle beyond idle thinking. This is all an experiment. It can't be all bad seeing as my step study meeting is all about writing stuff down and reading it and obsessing about who you hate and why you shouldn't hate and why you're scared and stuff. I can do that here. I can eat a classic triple in two minutes too.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
372
Another day in the life of a fat man. Oh my. I am again a little smaller with little to no reason for it. I suppose when you're this big you might just sweat out a pound every so often. When I was rocking my program, I lost about a pound to a half pound a day which I think just goes to show just how much a body can be composed of butter and water. Of course back then I was weighing myself everyday, and that's not how you're supposed to do it but I was so freaked out/miserable at my future days lacking my favorite foodstuffs it was a serious motivator.
When you get right down to it, being abstinent is giving into the truth that you're sick. Or more to the point that you're sick and you can't eat ice cream. When I was a kid, ice cream was one of the best reasons to be sick for crying out loud. So in the shadow of program there is no ice cream, ever. I'm still having serious issues with that I guess.
When you get right down to it, being abstinent is giving into the truth that you're sick. Or more to the point that you're sick and you can't eat ice cream. When I was a kid, ice cream was one of the best reasons to be sick for crying out loud. So in the shadow of program there is no ice cream, ever. I'm still having serious issues with that I guess.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
not sure
I'm starting up a 3-meals plan for myself today, essentially just trying to stick to 3 meals, no snacks and such. I had two cups of coffee for breakfast... not the best start, but I have to start. It's going to get harder and harder to get healthy again the longer I wait. I got a trip to the county fair (which I frikkin love) to go to with my wife and son this weekend, so I am going to start walking a bit to get my stamina back up. Oh glory glory. This time will be different I tell you. I'm gonna be so healthy. Oh yeah. Not futile this time. Not totally fraudulent I swear. It's only the 400th time I've tried this.
Gawd, I really need a meeting.
Gawd, I really need a meeting.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
374
Gawd. I have this late afternoon McDonalds problem. It gets to be about 3:30 or so and I just go nuts for a McChicken. So bad. I have got to clean up my act. I'm going to end up 450pds with arthritic eyelids if I'm not careful.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Josh
I go to a Wednesday night meeting, but I'm not going tonight due to a prior engagement. As a matter of fact I've only been to that one once in about three months. It's a mostly a tiny little group of older women, we make about 5 or 6 if we're lucky on the average night. It's a qualifier set up and most of the time it's a good meeting. The problem is that my former sponsor is at this meeting as well. I'm calling him Josh. Josh has been in program about six months and had probably lost about 200pds by now. It's seriously amazing to see his before and after pictures.
One night awhile back he could see that I was miserable and he asked me, "Do you want me to sponsor you?" I answered in the positive and was abstinent with his help for about three months. When my son was born, I didn't have a lot of time to make my meals in advance or to even call him on time every morning. Lack of sleep and overall anxiety have had me off the wagon ever since, or at least that's how it feels. Did I hop off because of the stress or am I coasting here because I have an excuse?
I'm not blaming him but Josh was freshly divorced at the time we hooked up and I was just starting a family. He wanted me at three meetings a week, and couldn't understand why I didn't want to go too far from my bed-resting pregnant wife. She didn't even want me to go to more than one meeting. I don't blame her. It was scary for her for the months leading up the birth, the doctor's were really worried about her and the baby's health. My son is fine now, and my wife is far more relaxed about needing at her side all the time. So what am I doing? Just gaining back all the weight I'd lost (30 pounds). I know I need a sponsor but I'm not going back to Josh.
I'm not too sure why he decided to sponsor four people including me only three months into his own recovery, but it probably wasn't the right decision. Josh was good to me, but he really didn't know how to help me with what I was going through. Add to this that he was constantly questioning my dedication to the process, seeing as I would only go to two meetings a week. Did I want to go to more? Yeah of course I did. I just hated being judged for things I couldn't control. Also, really hated be judged by Mr. I Lost a Brillion Pounds and Mr. My Program Can Kick Your Program's Ass. He never really said any of that. I usually just heard that stuff in my head but I think you get my point.
The guy is great and I wish him the best, but he's not for me. I gots to move on. Also, he's really not responsible for my binging, I want to make that clear, he just doesn't have the tools to do what he has to in a Sponsorship situation. I've been binging and eating four or five meals a day long before I met Josh. He just wanted to help me. It's not a crime.
One night awhile back he could see that I was miserable and he asked me, "Do you want me to sponsor you?" I answered in the positive and was abstinent with his help for about three months. When my son was born, I didn't have a lot of time to make my meals in advance or to even call him on time every morning. Lack of sleep and overall anxiety have had me off the wagon ever since, or at least that's how it feels. Did I hop off because of the stress or am I coasting here because I have an excuse?
I'm not blaming him but Josh was freshly divorced at the time we hooked up and I was just starting a family. He wanted me at three meetings a week, and couldn't understand why I didn't want to go too far from my bed-resting pregnant wife. She didn't even want me to go to more than one meeting. I don't blame her. It was scary for her for the months leading up the birth, the doctor's were really worried about her and the baby's health. My son is fine now, and my wife is far more relaxed about needing at her side all the time. So what am I doing? Just gaining back all the weight I'd lost (30 pounds). I know I need a sponsor but I'm not going back to Josh.
I'm not too sure why he decided to sponsor four people including me only three months into his own recovery, but it probably wasn't the right decision. Josh was good to me, but he really didn't know how to help me with what I was going through. Add to this that he was constantly questioning my dedication to the process, seeing as I would only go to two meetings a week. Did I want to go to more? Yeah of course I did. I just hated being judged for things I couldn't control. Also, really hated be judged by Mr. I Lost a Brillion Pounds and Mr. My Program Can Kick Your Program's Ass. He never really said any of that. I usually just heard that stuff in my head but I think you get my point.
The guy is great and I wish him the best, but he's not for me. I gots to move on. Also, he's really not responsible for my binging, I want to make that clear, he just doesn't have the tools to do what he has to in a Sponsorship situation. I've been binging and eating four or five meals a day long before I met Josh. He just wanted to help me. It's not a crime.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
377
So here's part of my life. I got seven hours of sleep last night and I feel like roadkill. This is probably because I got up and dropped off my son with his nana, and proceeded to the donut shop where I ate three dontus and a coffee roll for breakfast. As a result I just feel sick and sleepy all day. Lunch comes and I'm not hungry(sick feeling). What do I do? Order and eat a chicken parmesean plate with a side of garlic bread. Good. Awesome. What an asshole I must be.
What I have been doing
The title of this blog sums up the majority of my life here in the northeast. It is not wholly accurate, and it's a little dramatic, but it is true. I am a compulsive overeater and hate myself with a serious passion. I have been eating myself into morbid obesity with the subconscious intent of removing myself from the world, in essence, seeking death. You might say, 'hey, buy a gun!' or 'jump off a cliff', but me and people like me are also cowards. Lacking any sort of strong intention or tenacity, I have unconsciously decided that if I eat enough people will eventually leave me alone for good. Alone to do whatever I want without restriction. No responsibilities, no one to look down on me, no one to care for, no one at all. This of course I figured out finally would actually be death. Some utopia where I am the only one can't exist. Even if I could do such a thing I would die from boredom, or just from death. It is the same. Eating myself into congestive heart failure is the method I have chosen, and thus far thankfully it has proven highly inefficient.
I have a wonderful wife, and much to look forward to because of her and whatever small things I have been able to do for myself. This intervention is the only reason I am most likely not in either very sick or dead today, but even with these things at 377 pounds and climbing I am sure to get sick soon. It can't go on like this much longer. I have a child who needs a father who isn't going to embarrass him by riding around on a 'road weasel' or whatever. He is very small now, but I still have problems handling him and not getting winded. So, what to do?
I am in Overeaters Anonymous and it's great there, people are super and there's many involved who have found a way out of the mess I am in now. Wonderful, but I am still not abstinent from eating entire cakes or multiple bags of candy at a sitting. I had a little success (about three months), but have since gone back to my old habits with a vengeance. It's a stupid, ugly thing, but I can't stop myself and that is the definition of a compulsion.
I have scads of other problems as I am a human being like you, but I have as this point been unable to connect to anyone in a way I can consider totally honest. So here's where the blog comes in. I will try to document my life as I attempt to get abstinent again, blab about just about anything really so long as it's part of my internal dialogue. Hopefully what I share with you will help me suss out this crap, and if you get something from it, all the better.
In the 12-step tradition of anonymity I am using a moniker, and will use a moniker for anyone I talk about, but for reference I want to let you know that I am in my early thirties, married with one child, and I work for a software company. All of this being true you can imagine that I am also a bit of a geek, as in; Star Wars, video games and D&D, but I won't talk about that stuff too often if you're lucky. Those are my particulars, basically. Well, that and that I can't keep my hands of Ho hos but I think we went over that already.
One more thing, Region Six is the administrative designation for my area of the country in the OA world service. I've lived here all my life.
I have a wonderful wife, and much to look forward to because of her and whatever small things I have been able to do for myself. This intervention is the only reason I am most likely not in either very sick or dead today, but even with these things at 377 pounds and climbing I am sure to get sick soon. It can't go on like this much longer. I have a child who needs a father who isn't going to embarrass him by riding around on a 'road weasel' or whatever. He is very small now, but I still have problems handling him and not getting winded. So, what to do?
I am in Overeaters Anonymous and it's great there, people are super and there's many involved who have found a way out of the mess I am in now. Wonderful, but I am still not abstinent from eating entire cakes or multiple bags of candy at a sitting. I had a little success (about three months), but have since gone back to my old habits with a vengeance. It's a stupid, ugly thing, but I can't stop myself and that is the definition of a compulsion.
I have scads of other problems as I am a human being like you, but I have as this point been unable to connect to anyone in a way I can consider totally honest. So here's where the blog comes in. I will try to document my life as I attempt to get abstinent again, blab about just about anything really so long as it's part of my internal dialogue. Hopefully what I share with you will help me suss out this crap, and if you get something from it, all the better.
In the 12-step tradition of anonymity I am using a moniker, and will use a moniker for anyone I talk about, but for reference I want to let you know that I am in my early thirties, married with one child, and I work for a software company. All of this being true you can imagine that I am also a bit of a geek, as in; Star Wars, video games and D&D, but I won't talk about that stuff too often if you're lucky. Those are my particulars, basically. Well, that and that I can't keep my hands of Ho hos but I think we went over that already.
One more thing, Region Six is the administrative designation for my area of the country in the OA world service. I've lived here all my life.
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