377

Effing terrible. Talk to you again when I actually get to a meeting.

372?

Well I guess if I tell you, "I haven't been to a meeting yet since we last talked", you can probably guess how I've been. I've got to be a moron, expecting to work program and not attend any meetings. My life is so much more hectic now, getting an hour here or there is a lot harder than it was before, but I seriously shouln't have anything to say here until I go to a meeting. Will that stop me? Not sure but I am going to try to switch some things around to get to my old Wednesday night meeting. Josh is sure to be there but I gotta get on with this.

meal plan?

How about this for a half-assed do-it-myself meal plan?

3 meals
no drive-thrus
no extra with meals
no snacking in-between
no sweets
no fried stuff, chips or dips
no binging

Seems pretty complete without measuring or whatever. I could probably get around the restrictions though. 'No extra' is pretty subjective. I guess the extra is the whole problem. I could probably fit and entire life of overeating in that subjective wiggle room. That's why I guess a lot of people call and give their food list in the morning. "Hello again, today I'm eating this and this and 8 oz of this and blah blah blah..." It's not so bad at the start but after the 50th call, it really feels forced. I think even the best food sponsor is going to run out of novel encouragements by then. I don't want to impose after all. Can't I just send an email? I seriously just want to eat and not worry about ounces and stuff.

My tombstone, "1974-2008 Didn't want to measure his food."

Can you imagine I haven't been to a meeting in two weeks? I bet you can. This blog is a kind of clearing house for my mind. I'm hoping that I can look at the words here and understand a little about how messed up I am. After that, I am hoping this new found understanding will lead to new will to continue the struggle beyond idle thinking. This is all an experiment. It can't be all bad seeing as my step study meeting is all about writing stuff down and reading it and obsessing about who you hate and why you shouldn't hate and why you're scared and stuff. I can do that here. I can eat a classic triple in two minutes too.

372

Another day in the life of a fat man. Oh my. I am again a little smaller with little to no reason for it. I suppose when you're this big you might just sweat out a pound every so often. When I was rocking my program, I lost about a pound to a half pound a day which I think just goes to show just how much a body can be composed of butter and water. Of course back then I was weighing myself everyday, and that's not how you're supposed to do it but I was so freaked out/miserable at my future days lacking my favorite foodstuffs it was a serious motivator.

When you get right down to it, being abstinent is giving into the truth that you're sick. Or more to the point that you're sick and you can't eat ice cream. When I was a kid, ice cream was one of the best reasons to be sick for crying out loud. So in the shadow of program there is no ice cream, ever. I'm still having serious issues with that I guess.

not sure

I'm starting up a 3-meals plan for myself today, essentially just trying to stick to 3 meals, no snacks and such. I had two cups of coffee for breakfast... not the best start, but I have to start. It's going to get harder and harder to get healthy again the longer I wait. I got a trip to the county fair (which I frikkin love) to go to with my wife and son this weekend, so I am going to start walking a bit to get my stamina back up. Oh glory glory. This time will be different I tell you. I'm gonna be so healthy. Oh yeah. Not futile this time. Not totally fraudulent I swear. It's only the 400th time I've tried this.

Gawd, I really need a meeting.