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So it's been 11 pounds since we talked last. Looking at this blog really brings things into perspective for me, it's quite a gift even if I am the only one to read it. So thank you Google, for creating blogger and maintain my tripe for eternity on the internet, and also thank you to the Goddess of Earth for giving me the serenity to even attempt this. That is, my recovery.

Now I'm really starting to sound like those old bitties at the meetings I go to. I've not had anything near to perfect abstinence; and piece of bread here, a handful of nuts there, but I have not binged on cookies or ice cream or candy once in about five weeks. And let me remind you, that binging is something I desperately want to do. I want to buy a bag of cookies and just eat till I can't anymore. I want to go to a McDonalds and order everything on the menu. I want to feel sickeningly full. I want to despair and give up this program, my car littered with candy wrappers, the peanut/chocolate grease still laying thick on my tongue and then proceed to plan my next gluttony fest. Seriously, I really do. Yet somehow, I'm not.

Nothing could have stopped me from going out and doing exactly that before, I can see it happening now, actually in just 15 or 20 minutes from now. Walking into the store, finding my junk, going to the register... Compulsive Overeating is so totally a sickness. I have daydreams about freaking Ring Dings and Ho Hos. I actually regret this program in a lot of ways. I want to eat! And now I can't, but I really wish I could. More than anything, almost. What insanity!

I know that all my body needs is what I am giving it. That's all. I stay fed and continue living day after day, so I know it's true. What I really want however is VERY different.

Is this abstinence? Can it be called 'recovery' when I crave these things so much? I am told that these feelings will pass in time, but I have no idea how. THAT would be the miracle. THAT would affirm my Higher Power. Not wanting to gorge on cakes and desserts for every moment that I am awake, I'd like that. Loving my salad, or lusting for my bran cereal the way I do for Chubby Hubby would be good too.