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So since December I've snagged a new food sponsor, and I think he's a keeper. We're calling him Sam. I don't think for a minute I could have lost all the weight I have lost in these months without his help, and I thank the Goddess he's with me.

He's another one of these guys that raised his hand to become a sponsor in response to the "Service" tool. In the 12-steps it is thought of as the fact that in order to help ourselves we have to reach out to others. When we are engaged in honest service, aiding those further down the scale than ourselves we gain perspective on our own disease and therefore gain another tool to use in our own recovery. At it's most grandiose it means passing the light of spiritual questing and healing into the dark personal corners of the world, in the most basic light it is a way for recovering addicts to keep busy. After all I can't eat twenty Ho-Hos RIGHT NOW if I'm leading an OA meeting or on the phone with my sponcee. They will notice.

It seems to me to be a sort of pyramid scheme of healing. The gifts and labors of program kind of flow back and forth between the members, and I think that this friction is what really keeps people involved and spurs folks onto recovery. If you are doing it right both sponsor and sponcee lean on one another.

In my example, Sam is clean and has his food where it belongs, but he has other major problems in his life. He's been out of work for awhile and his unemployment is about to lapse. His chosen profession in the IT sector is really sitting in the doldrums right now. The pallor on the markets digs into profits, which means less income trickling down to the offices, which means less money to new computer and software sales over all. That being the case, the offices are less likely to incorporate new software and new technology solutions overall into their businesses, and that is where it's hurting Sam. So he talks to me about it. I hear about his interviews, what happened with his online applications, who screwed him over and who's headhunting him for jobs he can't afford to take. I can tell he appreciates the opportunity to get things off of his chest, and I am only happy to listen, but what really gets me is what I realized next.

He wants to hear about my issues and problems too. When I start to talk he allows me long pauses and doesn't interrupt, and usually offers some perspective on what I'm going through. Amazing, no? I've spent my life making sure that I don't complain and that I am cool and collected in every situation. I think it helps in a lot of instances, but it is isolating and can give people the wrong idea. With my former sponsors, I hardly ever told them of my hardships unless it was directly related to program, and even then sometimes I held back. Who wants to listen to me grumble and whine about my life after all?

Well, in this sponsor relationship, if you aren't giving up your problems to this guy you start to look kinda snobbish. After all if I'm in program I obviously have problems, right? Why hide them? Why even have a sponsor if I'm not sharing with him? How can he even know how to help me if he doesn't know my problems? It makes a lot of sense to me now, but before I guess I was expecting mind readers to help me with my eating. My knockout wife has been feeling like I have been shutting her out too, so this works on both fronts. Sometimes it's funny how program carries into other aspects of life.

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I've had 21 days of back to back abstinence to this point, and I've lost 57 pounds. I was at my men's meeting recently and they were talking about the tools. One of course is writing, and this I had not been doing. I did start my fourth with my step sponsor but I haven't seen him in awhile and that project has totally stalled out. I intend to start up again but I don't have the time to get out and go to my sponsor's meeting at the moment (more on that in later posts).

At any rate I realized that this blog more than covers the "writing to get out our troubles" aspect of the tool. I also intend for this to be of help to others at some point who have started down the path to recovery, and I am remaining silent during one of the most difficult parts of the process. The beginning. It's been a crushing series of realizations and periods of emotional turmoil, so writing hasn't aways been the first thing in my mind. And fuck if I am not lusting after the food. So bad. Yesterday was the worst in this current stretch of abstinence. It was the first time I've ever felt so low and I didn't eat. Every drive-thru and supermarket was a naked siren.

I don't even know how it gets so bad. It's just food! I am amazed at my ability to crave the stuff. It can't be rational or normal. More than anything this shows me the depths of my spiritual disease. That thing that drives me to eat is me, and what I am is damaged in some serious way. I really don't have any idea who's fault it is, I am just trying to live with it without killing myself in the process. That's really how OA is supposed to work. Allowing sick people to understand how they are sick, and helping them to live outside the bounds of their addiction. In the end you are really trading one thing for the other, but with OA you are more healthy and sane at least.

I'm not sure what I am talking about here in this post, sorta rambling I suppose. I guess I am here to say that this isn't easy, but if you are like me, you need this. That's just how it is. It's surrender and denial, or arrogance and death.