374

Gawd. I have this late afternoon McDonalds problem. It gets to be about 3:30 or so and I just go nuts for a McChicken. So bad. I have got to clean up my act. I'm going to end up 450pds with arthritic eyelids if I'm not careful.

I don't actually live in Afghanistan

Josh

I go to a Wednesday night meeting, but I'm not going tonight due to a prior engagement. As a matter of fact I've only been to that one once in about three months. It's a mostly a tiny little group of older women, we make about 5 or 6 if we're lucky on the average night. It's a qualifier set up and most of the time it's a good meeting. The problem is that my former sponsor is at this meeting as well. I'm calling him Josh. Josh has been in program about six months and had probably lost about 200pds by now. It's seriously amazing to see his before and after pictures.

One night awhile back he could see that I was miserable and he asked me, "Do you want me to sponsor you?" I answered in the positive and was abstinent with his help for about three months. When my son was born, I didn't have a lot of time to make my meals in advance or to even call him on time every morning. Lack of sleep and overall anxiety have had me off the wagon ever since, or at least that's how it feels. Did I hop off because of the stress or am I coasting here because I have an excuse?

I'm not blaming him but Josh was freshly divorced at the time we hooked up and I was just starting a family. He wanted me at three meetings a week, and couldn't understand why I didn't want to go too far from my bed-resting pregnant wife. She didn't even want me to go to more than one meeting. I don't blame her. It was scary for her for the months leading up the birth, the doctor's were really worried about her and the baby's health. My son is fine now, and my wife is far more relaxed about needing at her side all the time. So what am I doing? Just gaining back all the weight I'd lost (30 pounds). I know I need a sponsor but I'm not going back to Josh.

I'm not too sure why he decided to sponsor four people including me only three months into his own recovery, but it probably wasn't the right decision. Josh was good to me, but he really didn't know how to help me with what I was going through. Add to this that he was constantly questioning my dedication to the process, seeing as I would only go to two meetings a week. Did I want to go to more? Yeah of course I did. I just hated being judged for things I couldn't control. Also, really hated be judged by Mr. I Lost a Brillion Pounds and Mr. My Program Can Kick Your Program's Ass. He never really said any of that. I usually just heard that stuff in my head but I think you get my point.

The guy is great and I wish him the best, but he's not for me. I gots to move on. Also, he's really not responsible for my binging, I want to make that clear, he just doesn't have the tools to do what he has to in a Sponsorship situation. I've been binging and eating four or five meals a day long before I met Josh. He just wanted to help me. It's not a crime.

374

Not as fat as I thought I was. Hmmm.

377

So here's part of my life. I got seven hours of sleep last night and I feel like roadkill. This is probably because I got up and dropped off my son with his nana, and proceeded to the donut shop where I ate three dontus and a coffee roll for breakfast. As a result I just feel sick and sleepy all day. Lunch comes and I'm not hungry(sick feeling). What do I do? Order and eat a chicken parmesean plate with a side of garlic bread. Good. Awesome. What an asshole I must be.

What I have been doing

The title of this blog sums up the majority of my life here in the northeast. It is not wholly accurate, and it's a little dramatic, but it is true. I am a compulsive overeater and hate myself with a serious passion. I have been eating myself into morbid obesity with the subconscious intent of removing myself from the world, in essence, seeking death. You might say, 'hey, buy a gun!' or 'jump off a cliff', but me and people like me are also cowards. Lacking any sort of strong intention or tenacity, I have unconsciously decided that if I eat enough people will eventually leave me alone for good. Alone to do whatever I want without restriction. No responsibilities, no one to look down on me, no one to care for, no one at all. This of course I figured out finally would actually be death. Some utopia where I am the only one can't exist. Even if I could do such a thing I would die from boredom, or just from death. It is the same. Eating myself into congestive heart failure is the method I have chosen, and thus far thankfully it has proven highly inefficient.

I have a wonderful wife, and much to look forward to because of her and whatever small things I have been able to do for myself. This intervention is the only reason I am most likely not in either very sick or dead today, but even with these things at 377 pounds and climbing I am sure to get sick soon. It can't go on like this much longer. I have a child who needs a father who isn't going to embarrass him by riding around on a 'road weasel' or whatever. He is very small now, but I still have problems handling him and not getting winded. So, what to do?

I am in Overeaters Anonymous and it's great there, people are super and there's many involved who have found a way out of the mess I am in now. Wonderful, but I am still not abstinent from eating entire cakes or multiple bags of candy at a sitting. I had a little success (about three months), but have since gone back to my old habits with a vengeance. It's a stupid, ugly thing, but I can't stop myself and that is the definition of a compulsion.

I have scads of other problems as I am a human being like you, but I have as this point been unable to connect to anyone in a way I can consider totally honest. So here's where the blog comes in. I will try to document my life as I attempt to get abstinent again, blab about just about anything really so long as it's part of my internal dialogue. Hopefully what I share with you will help me suss out this crap, and if you get something from it, all the better.

In the 12-step tradition of anonymity I am using a moniker, and will use a moniker for anyone I talk about, but for reference I want to let you know that I am in my early thirties, married with one child, and I work for a software company. All of this being true you can imagine that I am also a bit of a geek, as in; Star Wars, video games and D&D, but I won't talk about that stuff too often if you're lucky. Those are my particulars, basically. Well, that and that I can't keep my hands of Ho hos but I think we went over that already.

One more thing, Region Six is the administrative designation for my area of the country in the OA world service. I've lived here all my life.