back to the void

My weight is a mystery at the moment, but I am re-committing to the process. I can't tell you how crazy it feels to be posting here again, but I am because I did actually get to a meeting last night, my Sunday meeting. Also I have a new sponsor, we're calling him Bill. It's a Big Book Step Study meeting and for those who know about such things good, if not read this http://www.bbstepstudy.org/hyannis/how.php I haven't read it all but it seems to have the right idea. In the most rudimentary sense OA is directly derived from AA so study of it's seminal text "Alcoholics Anonymous" would clearly seem like a good idea. So far I can see that it does help people in a real way.

Right now Bill is my Step Study sponsor, and I don't currently have a food sponsor. Somehow I hope that he can do both, but we really haven't talked about the process in detail yet. I have a reading assignment to do, read pages 1-63 of the Big Book in the greatest possible detail. After that I call him and we go from there.

A quick synopsis of the last month or so is that I am gaining a lot of weight, freaking out about being a new dad, and generally making things harder for everyone around me. My son is pretty awesome, but I am still adjusting to him being there and needing my attention so much of the time. I thought that being married was a major project! I am happy of course but I'm happy/scared/enraged/nervous/tired. Really tired. There is so much emotion and so little time. I doubt I'm the first person to be thinking/writing in these terms but the change is so dramatic.

The simple fact is that the more active he is the less time there is for whatever I was doing before. My hobbies and books and projects are all basically kaput for the time being, and it's really bugging me. So what I am I doing? I eat over it. Well as of right now I have been abstinent for 7 hours, I know that being a better father starts with my own sanity. I have a serious fear that I may never know the peace of abstinence and I think that that fear is all I really have pushing me on at the moment, but it's enough for now.

When I was younger and I had screwed up my college education beyond repair I entered a depression that lasted nearly a year. When I somehow realized a way out of it and a future for myself it felt like I was travelling away from the void. It was palpable to me then that feeling of movement. Yet no matter how far I felt I had gone it was still there waiting patiently. Now I can only feel like I'm heading back there, but I have more tools at my disposal now. I just can't hide from it any longer.