Josh

I go to a Wednesday night meeting, but I'm not going tonight due to a prior engagement. As a matter of fact I've only been to that one once in about three months. It's a mostly a tiny little group of older women, we make about 5 or 6 if we're lucky on the average night. It's a qualifier set up and most of the time it's a good meeting. The problem is that my former sponsor is at this meeting as well. I'm calling him Josh. Josh has been in program about six months and had probably lost about 200pds by now. It's seriously amazing to see his before and after pictures.

One night awhile back he could see that I was miserable and he asked me, "Do you want me to sponsor you?" I answered in the positive and was abstinent with his help for about three months. When my son was born, I didn't have a lot of time to make my meals in advance or to even call him on time every morning. Lack of sleep and overall anxiety have had me off the wagon ever since, or at least that's how it feels. Did I hop off because of the stress or am I coasting here because I have an excuse?

I'm not blaming him but Josh was freshly divorced at the time we hooked up and I was just starting a family. He wanted me at three meetings a week, and couldn't understand why I didn't want to go too far from my bed-resting pregnant wife. She didn't even want me to go to more than one meeting. I don't blame her. It was scary for her for the months leading up the birth, the doctor's were really worried about her and the baby's health. My son is fine now, and my wife is far more relaxed about needing at her side all the time. So what am I doing? Just gaining back all the weight I'd lost (30 pounds). I know I need a sponsor but I'm not going back to Josh.

I'm not too sure why he decided to sponsor four people including me only three months into his own recovery, but it probably wasn't the right decision. Josh was good to me, but he really didn't know how to help me with what I was going through. Add to this that he was constantly questioning my dedication to the process, seeing as I would only go to two meetings a week. Did I want to go to more? Yeah of course I did. I just hated being judged for things I couldn't control. Also, really hated be judged by Mr. I Lost a Brillion Pounds and Mr. My Program Can Kick Your Program's Ass. He never really said any of that. I usually just heard that stuff in my head but I think you get my point.

The guy is great and I wish him the best, but he's not for me. I gots to move on. Also, he's really not responsible for my binging, I want to make that clear, he just doesn't have the tools to do what he has to in a Sponsorship situation. I've been binging and eating four or five meals a day long before I met Josh. He just wanted to help me. It's not a crime.