359- Here comes the crazy

Weighed myself again. Wasn't supposed to. Lost two pounds. Was not enough. I sat there and freaked out, wondering if i'd plateaued or was eating too much or whatever. I was about to start cutting more food out of my plan without consulting Bill. Two pounds in three days is pretty damn good as far as I know but in that ten or fifteen minute span, I was really desperate to lose more weight. Somehow this is a feeling I have never had before.

I want to lose weight for health and image reasons (becoming a sexy stud among them), but I never considered doing anything drastic about it. OA is full of bulimics, compulsive exercisers, anorexics and others. I never did any of those things. I never felt so desperate as these people seem to have been. Also, I really liked eating sometimes. I had gotten to the point where scarfing a bag or Oreos in the supermarket parking lot was a pleasant experience. Sometimes.

People have always told me that I'm comfortable in my skin, in my voluminous skin. I felt that way as well in an image sense except when in front of a mirror. I was always surprised at my girth. I still am. I'd always think, "Who's the fat guy?"

What drove me to OA was the physical labor of just getting around and the fear of illness. When I got my first taste of abstinence, I realized I was crazy too, but now it feels like I have a different crazy coming on. The 'after school special' kind of crazy where I HAVE to be the prom queen or something. That I must get thinner even faster. Is this good? A step forward for me, joining the body-zeitgeist of society? Gawd I dunno.

I know that I'm getting a little desperate to see results. This weighing I'm not supposed to be doing is evidence to that. It feels like if I'm cutting off this limb of mine, the eating limb that I could always count on, the friend that was never busy, that I should be getting the kickback of being thin. NOW. 18 pounds lost apparently does not turn you into the at-stud uber-male. Well that implies getting loads of sex too, perhaps I should warn my wife about this so she can clear her calendar. Heh. But that a ways off.

The point is if I'm not happy now, when will I be happy with my body? Was I ever really happy with it at all? I can't binge anymore. I just cant. And going forward I must measure my food and stay on plan. When am I going to be happy about it? That's what I want to know.