361

Wasn't supposed to get on the scale until January 1st, but I did anyway. I know the reasons why Bill wants it that way but, I was weak. As a matter of fact I've been lying to him about a few things. Nothing major, but when you call in your food every night and you were too full to eat a salad along with you pile of cooked veggies, 6ozs of meat and a baked potato, how do you tell a guy, "Hey I know I was an eating champ yesterday but now I just can't finish what's on my food plan!".

When I lie usually it's usually about things I didn't eat as opposed to things that I did, though once I ate a quarter of pita that came with a lunch salad. Flour is a no no now. I don't seem to be getting the same kind of crazy hunger all the time this time, my first bout of abstinence was much rougher at this point but that's not a big deal.

I read in the big book and have heard it again and again in meetings that this is a program that requires absolute honesty, both with ones self and with the outside world. It's the outside part that I can't hack it seems. Lying was always the way I knew I could evade all responsibility, that no matter what I could soften things for myself with a few well placed words. Growing up there were very few people that this would not work on, so it became a major habit for me. It was also the way I could hoodwink people I didn't like to feel better about myself. I would lie just to pull one over on you, just for kicks. As my relationship with my wife deepened, it became obvious to me finally that I couldn't go on like that. So the lying stopped, mostly.

What began then was a regime of subtle omission and misdirection. Rather than conjure up huge events and story lines for myself to have lived it was smaller things I played with, especially when reality reflected poorly on me. It worked for a long long time, but I was caught in stupid, senseless lies a few times and now I am TRYING to knock it off. It's been better, but when I'm not thinking... out comes a lie.

It's hard for me in a way I think because there are things that I have told and retold as amazing exploits from my past (usually funny things), that my wife and friends still think are true. People that I never met firmly placed in her history of me. It isn't as grand as the tales I'd dream up when I was younger, but it more like "Remember that time when..." and "Where is so and so now? They sound really cool. We should look them up!" It's a kind of stupid shame that I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to get out from under. You my humble reader, are the first person I've ever mentioned this to. Don't tell anyone, alright?

At any rate, leaving out financial details or the fact that I surf for porn when she's not around seems somehow smaller in comparison to the fake events I created. In those particular instances there are bunch of other issues tied in, but my point is that being honest with her and everyone else seems really hard for me. So Bill has been lied to, and I'm guessing my program has suffered for it.

That was one of the major issues that I had with Josh, the lying to him started there just like it did here. In the end I was in total denial of my fucked-up program, in a state where I could eat whatever I wanted as long as I didn't TELL him about it. Go figure! No wonder I stopped calling him. I felt so terrible about it I gained back 30 pounds in less than a month. It wasn't his fault clearly, but perhaps I wasn't ready. Am I ready now? I can't know. I hope so.

Things have been much better for me health wise, and I'm gaining belt notches and stuff like that. It's all very heartening.