wipeout

My abstinence has been shot. It's not a matter of a crouton or an ounce extra of something. This is more like going to the sushi bar with a few old buddies and blowing over $200 on sake and raw fish. It's not like it at all actually, it's exactly like that. I was celebrating our reunion, and I was running from problems of my own. My boy was at his grandmother's and this was a chance to really let loose the way I used to. I knew the chance would not come again for a long time, or EVER because I was trying to lead an abstinent life. It's the EVER part that is really making me crazy. So I made a conscious decision to blow it all.

I also want to report I had the time of my life. This is factual and the more I think about it the less I really think I regret doing it. What I regret is what came after. After dealing with a minor hangover for the morning after, I went out to the supermarket and loaded up on all the crap I had been craving for months. Then I found every drivethru in the area, and sampled those for a few hours. My day was shot on just eating. My wife had no idea where I had gone when I told her, "I'd be right back". I abandoned her and my son for a period of hours where upon I just gorged myself to sickness. That was Sunday. I ate through most of yesterday too.

As for the possible excuses, I had some uncertainty at my job as some people close to my position were getting laid off, and I screwed up my checking account so it was overdrawn in a month where I was shopping for home loans. I was able to fix my account before the nightly update on Monday, which is good. Also I still have work, thank goodness.

I just felt cornered. I really wanted an escape. Besides, did I want to explain the ins and outs of program to my old buddy? Tell him that I'm not allowed to eat the best food and drink on earth with him? To celebrate life and each other in the best way we know how? Sushi is a sort of religion for me, by the way. It is probably the single reason I resisted getting a sponsor for so long. And in the end Shushi wasn't the real problem. It's everything else. That is to say it's the cookies, whoopee pies, peanut butter bars, candy bars, milk shakes, brownies, fried chicken, ice cream, double-quarter pounders and on and on and on... that make it so I can't have sushi. At least now. There doesn't seem to be a happy medium for me, of course.

Can I blame program? Can I blame "abstinence"? After all if I eat a jujube at a movie, it's the same as if I eat an entire Chinese food buffet. There are no grey areas there. This is probably why I have had what little success I have had. Give me a tiny bit of wiggle room and I will find a way to fit a pint of Ben and Jerry's in there, trust me. Naturally, I didn't have to eat the rest of the gunk. I didn't even have to go to the bar and lose a king's ransom in unagi and sake-maki rolls. I could have told him I had to get home, or that I had plans. Easy! Never would have been a problem then. No lengthy discussions about my disorder or even a mention of it.

It was my decision. Every bite and drink was a decision I made. Everything I ate after that too. I don't know if I can stop eating right now. I went into this morning with a solid determination to stop, but now... What is really scary is that I could have two, or ten or a thousand of these days ahead of me where I am unable to stop. I may never stop really. There are too many out there like that for me to pretend that it's not a possibility. It WAS me only two years ago when I had no hope at all, just like today.