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Something was really bothering me. In a sense, I was actually terrified. It was an artifact from my previous life. The one before I met my wonderful wife and I realized that I probably could be happy instead of reveling in misanthropy, beat poetry and cheap cigars my whole life. Back then, I really didn't think much at all about the next day, or even the day I was in. All that really mattered to me was that my comforts were readily at hand, food included. I kept going back to college as a way of 1. looking like I was trying to do something with my life, and 2. keeping my head active and me out of my mom's basement. It was a lifeline really. I had at least that much sense. And when I met my wife at school, I knew I was on the right track.

I ultimately dropped out again(you dumbass!), but we were married in four years and now seven years after that we have a 1 year old son who is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. The trouble is during those years of working/college/working/college/smoking weed/college?/ I had racked up amazing amounts of debt, terribly bad amounts for a guy my age. All of it in default by the year 1999.

My credit was a wreck. Eventually my then fiancee found about it. And we fought for weeks on and off over what to do. I was certain that I could turn the boat around myself, or I said I was. What I really wanted was for her to butt out of my sordid past and let me be a failure so she wouldn't find out how bad it had gotten. But she didn't give up on it, and despite considering it seriously a few times she didn't give up on me. I eventually relented and she made a bunch of calls and got the whole picture straight. After that it was a slow ascent of consolidation loans and payment books and mistakes made. After about four years I started to get offers for credit cards and got one. Made payments on time and the such.

In 2003 we needed a new car and my credit wasn't up to snuff then, so the auto is in her name. I was so distraught over that. Even in the intervening time I've had school loan problems, deferments and a few near defaults, along with other late payments here and there to various other creditors. A few stretches of unemployment that I shudder to remember are in there as well. That's not to mentioning a rent dispute with my wonderful land-overlords that ended up being their fault. So to me the last five years have been a little spotty. When I knew the kid was coming I also knew that an apartment wasn't going to do for too much longer.

I got into program around that time and was busy lying to my sponsors and breaking abstinence when she started to talk about getting a house. The market was on fire at this point so we both knew it would be a long ways off. My wife, bless her heart, had already been saving for a down payment for a few years and about then I started to divert funds into CDs and the like to build our capital. Then the boy arrived, and the housing market started to tank. And boy did it ever. Even here in the crown of the Northeast, prices began to fall at amazing speed. So we started looking at houses. The say, "act as if", I guess I fooled my wife and the agent because I had no clue what my credit was like or whether I could even get a loan. My last credit report was such a horror I couldn't even bear going in on one of those 'free' ones. I was too afraid.

Credit horror stories are a family tradition for me. Mom is living in the house she grew up in (thanks grandpa!) and my Father is still renting a house with his new family. He just got a car loan in his name for the first time in ages in 2003. So I had grown up hearing about these things. I felt even worse because I realized as I got older that lots of these financial hardships grew out of the divorce in the first place. Well, that's another tale.

At any rate the time came to fill out the loan app and send it in. An office pal of my wife's used to work at a small local lender, so on her advice we went with them. During this time I literally quaked whenever the subject came up. My blood turned to ice and all I could do was pray sometimes, asking the Goddess to help me. I confided in my wife that I was a nervous wreck over this, and she tried to console me but I was certain that I was a poison in the lending house. Of course I couldn't sit up an whine about my terrible credit, because I really didn't know how bad it was, more to the point even if I did know the score or had a report I had no idea what it would actually mean to a lending manager since we're both on the application. I hadn't felt so powerless since my academic reviews in college where most of the time I was told to pack my bags.

This morning I have recently learned that we were pre-approved for more money than we could ever use. It is only a pre-approval, but it's a lot further than I thought we'd get with my name and social on the app. Now there is a decent chance my son won't have to grow up in an apartment building, have a place to live in that isn't cluttered all the time, and have a basement of his own to live in when the time comes. It's a great feeling. Staying abstinent throughout the process feels even better. Thanks to my wife and this program I am taking real steps into the next chapter in my life. Coming from the hell I was in once where even imagining anything like this was impossible, I have no more words to describe my gratitude. I thank the goddess for all of you.