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I've had 21 days of back to back abstinence to this point, and I've lost 57 pounds. I was at my men's meeting recently and they were talking about the tools. One of course is writing, and this I had not been doing. I did start my fourth with my step sponsor but I haven't seen him in awhile and that project has totally stalled out. I intend to start up again but I don't have the time to get out and go to my sponsor's meeting at the moment (more on that in later posts).

At any rate I realized that this blog more than covers the "writing to get out our troubles" aspect of the tool. I also intend for this to be of help to others at some point who have started down the path to recovery, and I am remaining silent during one of the most difficult parts of the process. The beginning. It's been a crushing series of realizations and periods of emotional turmoil, so writing hasn't aways been the first thing in my mind. And fuck if I am not lusting after the food. So bad. Yesterday was the worst in this current stretch of abstinence. It was the first time I've ever felt so low and I didn't eat. Every drive-thru and supermarket was a naked siren.

I don't even know how it gets so bad. It's just food! I am amazed at my ability to crave the stuff. It can't be rational or normal. More than anything this shows me the depths of my spiritual disease. That thing that drives me to eat is me, and what I am is damaged in some serious way. I really don't have any idea who's fault it is, I am just trying to live with it without killing myself in the process. That's really how OA is supposed to work. Allowing sick people to understand how they are sick, and helping them to live outside the bounds of their addiction. In the end you are really trading one thing for the other, but with OA you are more healthy and sane at least.

I'm not sure what I am talking about here in this post, sorta rambling I suppose. I guess I am here to say that this isn't easy, but if you are like me, you need this. That's just how it is. It's surrender and denial, or arrogance and death.