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Gotta talk here. Not sure why but I feel like I'm at a very delicate point in this recent bout of abstinence. My obsessive thinking about food feels less intense than it has in the past. The constant murmur of the cookie aisle and yearning has receded a bit and I'm not sure what to think. It has to be good, but why this feeling of impending doom?

I recently realized that I am still as big as a house, and that messed me up for a few days. "Big as a house" as in I still have over 100 pounds to lose. After having suffered enough to lose 80 pounds how can there be so much left to lose? I'm distressed enough with the sudden arrival of my rib cage, I feel as though a hundred pounds down the road I won't even be recognizable. I probably haven't weighed 200 pounds since I was 16. I can barely imagine it.

It just seems like I'm at a major crossroads. I could really buy a mountain of junk right now and throw it all out the window, but I'm probably not going to. Part of me wants to gorge and binge just to prove that I am still in control. After all I've been doing what my sponsor tells me to all this time. When do I get a turn? I guess I'm still having problems seeing the good in all of this even though I'm hit in the head with it every day.

I feel amazing, compliments have been rolling in, sex has been better and better and I've been more rested and alert than I ever was when I was eating. So what is the problem? Can't eat whoopee pies. Can't eat ice cream. Can't eat candy. If the devil walked up to me now and told me I could buy a body impervious to binge eating with my soul, I'd have to think about it. I have to try to remember what it was like when I was in it, how miserable I was, all the poor health I had and other sad side effects I won't get into. None of it comes to mind when I'm standing in front of the bakery racks at the supermarket. I'm still very sick.


This video is about milk.