370

Get used to seeing that on my posts as my new sponsor only wants me weighing myself once every month. I knew that jumping on the scale everyday during my first bout of abstinence was not a good idea, but at the time it was the only thing I was getting out of program. Now that I am in step study the focus is on having a spiritual connection with my higher power. This connection is what is going to sustain me now, so the book and Bill say.

Now we had arrived at Step Three in the process. In regards to that I am a man who has had congress with the divine and the not-so-normal by my own estimation, and as a result I have no delusion that divinity is not real or that there is no guiding force in the cosmos, so why is Three such a hard sell? I just can't see this power as a part of myself. In it's presence I was so confounded by it's size and scope, it was an impossibility ingrained in every little thing that exists. You hear this a lot if you study these sorts of things, it was for a moment as plain as my hand or a tree but the feeling of this presence was temporary.

I can remember the feeling but do not have a way to put that knowledge to use. Also, and I think this is the crux of the issue, I felt this power was separate from myself. Somehow I was inert in this world of the 'divine body' that I had sensed. Was it simply because I was an observer? Or was I too distracted to notice my own role in that fantastic place? Even now I know that that power is in the keys I am typing on and in the air I'm breathing, I simply cannot sense it. Now I'm not telling you that I am a prophet or that this experience was even planned in any way shape or form, but it certainly did happen.

Now how in the heck is that supposed to help me stop eating? A fair question I think. In that moment I sensed the being that encompasses us all, not a god but a goddess. An Earth Mother to be exact. She did not create us in her image, nor did she send floods and trials upon a gang of well informed unfortunates in ancient times, she simply is. That being said and understanding that all of her creations are equal in importance, why is my eating problem going to stir a being with nary even a concept of a Ho Ho? This is my problem.

I find myself reading "We Agnostics" and finding much that I relate to. The judeo-christian Yahweh is omnipotent and all powerful by report, so imagining such a being using an influence of a sort to keep boston cream pie from my mouth makes sense. After all if he is "all-powerful" he's got power to spare. Why not help a soul who is suffering if he prays? I certainly would. Unfortunately I am cursed with divine knowledge as opposed to religious knowledge and the situation in the big book does not add up for me.

I'm not saying that I don't believe that millions of christians also feel this disconnection from their God, I'm just sitting a different part of the same space. For me the divine is a fact and the conflict is my role within it, for the typical christian my guess is that the existence of the divine itself is the issue and the resulting conflict therefore being religious teaching versus reality, or at least the perception of reality. In the end who knows? I've been wrong enough times to know I will probably be wrong again.

I can say with an amount of certainty that I think OA is working for me right now. Bill is pretty much exactly what I need in a sponsor and the step process is going to be good for me. It's funny, even as I am writing this I am having terrible food thoughts... :P It's nice to feel that I won't be giving into them today at least.

back to the void

My weight is a mystery at the moment, but I am re-committing to the process. I can't tell you how crazy it feels to be posting here again, but I am because I did actually get to a meeting last night, my Sunday meeting. Also I have a new sponsor, we're calling him Bill. It's a Big Book Step Study meeting and for those who know about such things good, if not read this http://www.bbstepstudy.org/hyannis/how.php I haven't read it all but it seems to have the right idea. In the most rudimentary sense OA is directly derived from AA so study of it's seminal text "Alcoholics Anonymous" would clearly seem like a good idea. So far I can see that it does help people in a real way.

Right now Bill is my Step Study sponsor, and I don't currently have a food sponsor. Somehow I hope that he can do both, but we really haven't talked about the process in detail yet. I have a reading assignment to do, read pages 1-63 of the Big Book in the greatest possible detail. After that I call him and we go from there.

A quick synopsis of the last month or so is that I am gaining a lot of weight, freaking out about being a new dad, and generally making things harder for everyone around me. My son is pretty awesome, but I am still adjusting to him being there and needing my attention so much of the time. I thought that being married was a major project! I am happy of course but I'm happy/scared/enraged/nervous/tired. Really tired. There is so much emotion and so little time. I doubt I'm the first person to be thinking/writing in these terms but the change is so dramatic.

The simple fact is that the more active he is the less time there is for whatever I was doing before. My hobbies and books and projects are all basically kaput for the time being, and it's really bugging me. So what I am I doing? I eat over it. Well as of right now I have been abstinent for 7 hours, I know that being a better father starts with my own sanity. I have a serious fear that I may never know the peace of abstinence and I think that that fear is all I really have pushing me on at the moment, but it's enough for now.

When I was younger and I had screwed up my college education beyond repair I entered a depression that lasted nearly a year. When I somehow realized a way out of it and a future for myself it felt like I was travelling away from the void. It was palpable to me then that feeling of movement. Yet no matter how far I felt I had gone it was still there waiting patiently. Now I can only feel like I'm heading back there, but I have more tools at my disposal now. I just can't hide from it any longer.

377

Effing terrible. Talk to you again when I actually get to a meeting.

372?

Well I guess if I tell you, "I haven't been to a meeting yet since we last talked", you can probably guess how I've been. I've got to be a moron, expecting to work program and not attend any meetings. My life is so much more hectic now, getting an hour here or there is a lot harder than it was before, but I seriously shouln't have anything to say here until I go to a meeting. Will that stop me? Not sure but I am going to try to switch some things around to get to my old Wednesday night meeting. Josh is sure to be there but I gotta get on with this.

meal plan?

How about this for a half-assed do-it-myself meal plan?

3 meals
no drive-thrus
no extra with meals
no snacking in-between
no sweets
no fried stuff, chips or dips
no binging

Seems pretty complete without measuring or whatever. I could probably get around the restrictions though. 'No extra' is pretty subjective. I guess the extra is the whole problem. I could probably fit and entire life of overeating in that subjective wiggle room. That's why I guess a lot of people call and give their food list in the morning. "Hello again, today I'm eating this and this and 8 oz of this and blah blah blah..." It's not so bad at the start but after the 50th call, it really feels forced. I think even the best food sponsor is going to run out of novel encouragements by then. I don't want to impose after all. Can't I just send an email? I seriously just want to eat and not worry about ounces and stuff.

My tombstone, "1974-2008 Didn't want to measure his food."

Can you imagine I haven't been to a meeting in two weeks? I bet you can. This blog is a kind of clearing house for my mind. I'm hoping that I can look at the words here and understand a little about how messed up I am. After that, I am hoping this new found understanding will lead to new will to continue the struggle beyond idle thinking. This is all an experiment. It can't be all bad seeing as my step study meeting is all about writing stuff down and reading it and obsessing about who you hate and why you shouldn't hate and why you're scared and stuff. I can do that here. I can eat a classic triple in two minutes too.

372

Another day in the life of a fat man. Oh my. I am again a little smaller with little to no reason for it. I suppose when you're this big you might just sweat out a pound every so often. When I was rocking my program, I lost about a pound to a half pound a day which I think just goes to show just how much a body can be composed of butter and water. Of course back then I was weighing myself everyday, and that's not how you're supposed to do it but I was so freaked out/miserable at my future days lacking my favorite foodstuffs it was a serious motivator.

When you get right down to it, being abstinent is giving into the truth that you're sick. Or more to the point that you're sick and you can't eat ice cream. When I was a kid, ice cream was one of the best reasons to be sick for crying out loud. So in the shadow of program there is no ice cream, ever. I'm still having serious issues with that I guess.

not sure

I'm starting up a 3-meals plan for myself today, essentially just trying to stick to 3 meals, no snacks and such. I had two cups of coffee for breakfast... not the best start, but I have to start. It's going to get harder and harder to get healthy again the longer I wait. I got a trip to the county fair (which I frikkin love) to go to with my wife and son this weekend, so I am going to start walking a bit to get my stamina back up. Oh glory glory. This time will be different I tell you. I'm gonna be so healthy. Oh yeah. Not futile this time. Not totally fraudulent I swear. It's only the 400th time I've tried this.

Gawd, I really need a meeting.