So really, how much salad can you eat? Day in, day out, same crud. Even cooked veggies, which I have leave to substitute for leafy greens via my excellent sponsor, are seriously boring me now. I get hungry, but I don't want to eat my lunch. I just don't feel like it. Lunch for me used to be playtime, eat a carload of crap and feel sick afterward! Wheee! I was killing myself, and I always hated it after the fact, but at least it was something I could look forward to. The chance to slake my insane lust for cake and grease, or just greasecake when I could find it was the highlight of my day. What I life I had. It was all I really looked forward to. That, sex and video games anyhow.
Life is certainly better now, as is my health, but I am BORED with my food. Just imagine that funny guy who you hung out with just for his nice car and endless bankroll just turned into your middle school science teacher, with lettuce for hair. I grew up thinking that vegetables were a personal enemy of mine, a kind of culinary nemesis. I still don't like them but I am more accepting of them. I can eat them when I need to, even enjoying a salad made to my exactly specifications. I have made nice with spinach, cauliflower and pickles. And I have new vegetable buddy in broccoli to go with my old stand bys peppers and onions. But there has GOT to be another way. I've nearly skipped my mid-day meal on more than a few occasions.
Sometimes I end up eating my breakfast food twice in a day (minus the cereal) just to vary things. I told my sponsor about this once and he said, "It's ok this time, but don't do it again." So I just did it again, and not for the first time either. I was really hungry and I just couldn't eat the salad. I have got to come clean on this I think, at least just to get a little help here because it's driving me nuts.
Showing posts with label Sponsors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sponsors. Show all posts
Monday, July 7, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
319
So since December I've snagged a new food sponsor, and I think he's a keeper. We're calling him Sam. I don't think for a minute I could have lost all the weight I have lost in these months without his help, and I thank the Goddess he's with me.
He's another one of these guys that raised his hand to become a sponsor in response to the "Service" tool. In the 12-steps it is thought of as the fact that in order to help ourselves we have to reach out to others. When we are engaged in honest service, aiding those further down the scale than ourselves we gain perspective on our own disease and therefore gain another tool to use in our own recovery. At it's most grandiose it means passing the light of spiritual questing and healing into the dark personal corners of the world, in the most basic light it is a way for recovering addicts to keep busy. After all I can't eat twenty Ho-Hos RIGHT NOW if I'm leading an OA meeting or on the phone with my sponcee. They will notice.
It seems to me to be a sort of pyramid scheme of healing. The gifts and labors of program kind of flow back and forth between the members, and I think that this friction is what really keeps people involved and spurs folks onto recovery. If you are doing it right both sponsor and sponcee lean on one another.
In my example, Sam is clean and has his food where it belongs, but he has other major problems in his life. He's been out of work for awhile and his unemployment is about to lapse. His chosen profession in the IT sector is really sitting in the doldrums right now. The pallor on the markets digs into profits, which means less income trickling down to the offices, which means less money to new computer and software sales over all. That being the case, the offices are less likely to incorporate new software and new technology solutions overall into their businesses, and that is where it's hurting Sam. So he talks to me about it. I hear about his interviews, what happened with his online applications, who screwed him over and who's headhunting him for jobs he can't afford to take. I can tell he appreciates the opportunity to get things off of his chest, and I am only happy to listen, but what really gets me is what I realized next.
He wants to hear about my issues and problems too. When I start to talk he allows me long pauses and doesn't interrupt, and usually offers some perspective on what I'm going through. Amazing, no? I've spent my life making sure that I don't complain and that I am cool and collected in every situation. I think it helps in a lot of instances, but it is isolating and can give people the wrong idea. With my former sponsors, I hardly ever told them of my hardships unless it was directly related to program, and even then sometimes I held back. Who wants to listen to me grumble and whine about my life after all?
Well, in this sponsor relationship, if you aren't giving up your problems to this guy you start to look kinda snobbish. After all if I'm in program I obviously have problems, right? Why hide them? Why even have a sponsor if I'm not sharing with him? How can he even know how to help me if he doesn't know my problems? It makes a lot of sense to me now, but before I guess I was expecting mind readers to help me with my eating. My knockout wife has been feeling like I have been shutting her out too, so this works on both fronts. Sometimes it's funny how program carries into other aspects of life.
He's another one of these guys that raised his hand to become a sponsor in response to the "Service" tool. In the 12-steps it is thought of as the fact that in order to help ourselves we have to reach out to others. When we are engaged in honest service, aiding those further down the scale than ourselves we gain perspective on our own disease and therefore gain another tool to use in our own recovery. At it's most grandiose it means passing the light of spiritual questing and healing into the dark personal corners of the world, in the most basic light it is a way for recovering addicts to keep busy. After all I can't eat twenty Ho-Hos RIGHT NOW if I'm leading an OA meeting or on the phone with my sponcee. They will notice.
It seems to me to be a sort of pyramid scheme of healing. The gifts and labors of program kind of flow back and forth between the members, and I think that this friction is what really keeps people involved and spurs folks onto recovery. If you are doing it right both sponsor and sponcee lean on one another.
In my example, Sam is clean and has his food where it belongs, but he has other major problems in his life. He's been out of work for awhile and his unemployment is about to lapse. His chosen profession in the IT sector is really sitting in the doldrums right now. The pallor on the markets digs into profits, which means less income trickling down to the offices, which means less money to new computer and software sales over all. That being the case, the offices are less likely to incorporate new software and new technology solutions overall into their businesses, and that is where it's hurting Sam. So he talks to me about it. I hear about his interviews, what happened with his online applications, who screwed him over and who's headhunting him for jobs he can't afford to take. I can tell he appreciates the opportunity to get things off of his chest, and I am only happy to listen, but what really gets me is what I realized next.
He wants to hear about my issues and problems too. When I start to talk he allows me long pauses and doesn't interrupt, and usually offers some perspective on what I'm going through. Amazing, no? I've spent my life making sure that I don't complain and that I am cool and collected in every situation. I think it helps in a lot of instances, but it is isolating and can give people the wrong idea. With my former sponsors, I hardly ever told them of my hardships unless it was directly related to program, and even then sometimes I held back. Who wants to listen to me grumble and whine about my life after all?
Well, in this sponsor relationship, if you aren't giving up your problems to this guy you start to look kinda snobbish. After all if I'm in program I obviously have problems, right? Why hide them? Why even have a sponsor if I'm not sharing with him? How can he even know how to help me if he doesn't know my problems? It makes a lot of sense to me now, but before I guess I was expecting mind readers to help me with my eating. My knockout wife has been feeling like I have been shutting her out too, so this works on both fronts. Sometimes it's funny how program carries into other aspects of life.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
361
Wasn't supposed to get on the scale until January 1st, but I did anyway. I know the reasons why Bill wants it that way but, I was weak. As a matter of fact I've been lying to him about a few things. Nothing major, but when you call in your food every night and you were too full to eat a salad along with you pile of cooked veggies, 6ozs of meat and a baked potato, how do you tell a guy, "Hey I know I was an eating champ yesterday but now I just can't finish what's on my food plan!".
When I lie usually it's usually about things I didn't eat as opposed to things that I did, though once I ate a quarter of pita that came with a lunch salad. Flour is a no no now. I don't seem to be getting the same kind of crazy hunger all the time this time, my first bout of abstinence was much rougher at this point but that's not a big deal.
I read in the big book and have heard it again and again in meetings that this is a program that requires absolute honesty, both with ones self and with the outside world. It's the outside part that I can't hack it seems. Lying was always the way I knew I could evade all responsibility, that no matter what I could soften things for myself with a few well placed words. Growing up there were very few people that this would not work on, so it became a major habit for me. It was also the way I could hoodwink people I didn't like to feel better about myself. I would lie just to pull one over on you, just for kicks. As my relationship with my wife deepened, it became obvious to me finally that I couldn't go on like that. So the lying stopped, mostly.
What began then was a regime of subtle omission and misdirection. Rather than conjure up huge events and story lines for myself to have lived it was smaller things I played with, especially when reality reflected poorly on me. It worked for a long long time, but I was caught in stupid, senseless lies a few times and now I am TRYING to knock it off. It's been better, but when I'm not thinking... out comes a lie.
It's hard for me in a way I think because there are things that I have told and retold as amazing exploits from my past (usually funny things), that my wife and friends still think are true. People that I never met firmly placed in her history of me. It isn't as grand as the tales I'd dream up when I was younger, but it more like "Remember that time when..." and "Where is so and so now? They sound really cool. We should look them up!" It's a kind of stupid shame that I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to get out from under. You my humble reader, are the first person I've ever mentioned this to. Don't tell anyone, alright?
At any rate, leaving out financial details or the fact that I surf for porn when she's not around seems somehow smaller in comparison to the fake events I created. In those particular instances there are bunch of other issues tied in, but my point is that being honest with her and everyone else seems really hard for me. So Bill has been lied to, and I'm guessing my program has suffered for it.
That was one of the major issues that I had with Josh, the lying to him started there just like it did here. In the end I was in total denial of my fucked-up program, in a state where I could eat whatever I wanted as long as I didn't TELL him about it. Go figure! No wonder I stopped calling him. I felt so terrible about it I gained back 30 pounds in less than a month. It wasn't his fault clearly, but perhaps I wasn't ready. Am I ready now? I can't know. I hope so.
Things have been much better for me health wise, and I'm gaining belt notches and stuff like that. It's all very heartening.
When I lie usually it's usually about things I didn't eat as opposed to things that I did, though once I ate a quarter of pita that came with a lunch salad. Flour is a no no now. I don't seem to be getting the same kind of crazy hunger all the time this time, my first bout of abstinence was much rougher at this point but that's not a big deal.
I read in the big book and have heard it again and again in meetings that this is a program that requires absolute honesty, both with ones self and with the outside world. It's the outside part that I can't hack it seems. Lying was always the way I knew I could evade all responsibility, that no matter what I could soften things for myself with a few well placed words. Growing up there were very few people that this would not work on, so it became a major habit for me. It was also the way I could hoodwink people I didn't like to feel better about myself. I would lie just to pull one over on you, just for kicks. As my relationship with my wife deepened, it became obvious to me finally that I couldn't go on like that. So the lying stopped, mostly.
What began then was a regime of subtle omission and misdirection. Rather than conjure up huge events and story lines for myself to have lived it was smaller things I played with, especially when reality reflected poorly on me. It worked for a long long time, but I was caught in stupid, senseless lies a few times and now I am TRYING to knock it off. It's been better, but when I'm not thinking... out comes a lie.
It's hard for me in a way I think because there are things that I have told and retold as amazing exploits from my past (usually funny things), that my wife and friends still think are true. People that I never met firmly placed in her history of me. It isn't as grand as the tales I'd dream up when I was younger, but it more like "Remember that time when..." and "Where is so and so now? They sound really cool. We should look them up!" It's a kind of stupid shame that I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to get out from under. You my humble reader, are the first person I've ever mentioned this to. Don't tell anyone, alright?
At any rate, leaving out financial details or the fact that I surf for porn when she's not around seems somehow smaller in comparison to the fake events I created. In those particular instances there are bunch of other issues tied in, but my point is that being honest with her and everyone else seems really hard for me. So Bill has been lied to, and I'm guessing my program has suffered for it.
That was one of the major issues that I had with Josh, the lying to him started there just like it did here. In the end I was in total denial of my fucked-up program, in a state where I could eat whatever I wanted as long as I didn't TELL him about it. Go figure! No wonder I stopped calling him. I felt so terrible about it I gained back 30 pounds in less than a month. It wasn't his fault clearly, but perhaps I wasn't ready. Am I ready now? I can't know. I hope so.
Things have been much better for me health wise, and I'm gaining belt notches and stuff like that. It's all very heartening.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Josh
I go to a Wednesday night meeting, but I'm not going tonight due to a prior engagement. As a matter of fact I've only been to that one once in about three months. It's a mostly a tiny little group of older women, we make about 5 or 6 if we're lucky on the average night. It's a qualifier set up and most of the time it's a good meeting. The problem is that my former sponsor is at this meeting as well. I'm calling him Josh. Josh has been in program about six months and had probably lost about 200pds by now. It's seriously amazing to see his before and after pictures.
One night awhile back he could see that I was miserable and he asked me, "Do you want me to sponsor you?" I answered in the positive and was abstinent with his help for about three months. When my son was born, I didn't have a lot of time to make my meals in advance or to even call him on time every morning. Lack of sleep and overall anxiety have had me off the wagon ever since, or at least that's how it feels. Did I hop off because of the stress or am I coasting here because I have an excuse?
I'm not blaming him but Josh was freshly divorced at the time we hooked up and I was just starting a family. He wanted me at three meetings a week, and couldn't understand why I didn't want to go too far from my bed-resting pregnant wife. She didn't even want me to go to more than one meeting. I don't blame her. It was scary for her for the months leading up the birth, the doctor's were really worried about her and the baby's health. My son is fine now, and my wife is far more relaxed about needing at her side all the time. So what am I doing? Just gaining back all the weight I'd lost (30 pounds). I know I need a sponsor but I'm not going back to Josh.
I'm not too sure why he decided to sponsor four people including me only three months into his own recovery, but it probably wasn't the right decision. Josh was good to me, but he really didn't know how to help me with what I was going through. Add to this that he was constantly questioning my dedication to the process, seeing as I would only go to two meetings a week. Did I want to go to more? Yeah of course I did. I just hated being judged for things I couldn't control. Also, really hated be judged by Mr. I Lost a Brillion Pounds and Mr. My Program Can Kick Your Program's Ass. He never really said any of that. I usually just heard that stuff in my head but I think you get my point.
The guy is great and I wish him the best, but he's not for me. I gots to move on. Also, he's really not responsible for my binging, I want to make that clear, he just doesn't have the tools to do what he has to in a Sponsorship situation. I've been binging and eating four or five meals a day long before I met Josh. He just wanted to help me. It's not a crime.
One night awhile back he could see that I was miserable and he asked me, "Do you want me to sponsor you?" I answered in the positive and was abstinent with his help for about three months. When my son was born, I didn't have a lot of time to make my meals in advance or to even call him on time every morning. Lack of sleep and overall anxiety have had me off the wagon ever since, or at least that's how it feels. Did I hop off because of the stress or am I coasting here because I have an excuse?
I'm not blaming him but Josh was freshly divorced at the time we hooked up and I was just starting a family. He wanted me at three meetings a week, and couldn't understand why I didn't want to go too far from my bed-resting pregnant wife. She didn't even want me to go to more than one meeting. I don't blame her. It was scary for her for the months leading up the birth, the doctor's were really worried about her and the baby's health. My son is fine now, and my wife is far more relaxed about needing at her side all the time. So what am I doing? Just gaining back all the weight I'd lost (30 pounds). I know I need a sponsor but I'm not going back to Josh.
I'm not too sure why he decided to sponsor four people including me only three months into his own recovery, but it probably wasn't the right decision. Josh was good to me, but he really didn't know how to help me with what I was going through. Add to this that he was constantly questioning my dedication to the process, seeing as I would only go to two meetings a week. Did I want to go to more? Yeah of course I did. I just hated being judged for things I couldn't control. Also, really hated be judged by Mr. I Lost a Brillion Pounds and Mr. My Program Can Kick Your Program's Ass. He never really said any of that. I usually just heard that stuff in my head but I think you get my point.
The guy is great and I wish him the best, but he's not for me. I gots to move on. Also, he's really not responsible for my binging, I want to make that clear, he just doesn't have the tools to do what he has to in a Sponsorship situation. I've been binging and eating four or five meals a day long before I met Josh. He just wanted to help me. It's not a crime.
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