What I have been doing

The title of this blog sums up the majority of my life here in the northeast. It is not wholly accurate, and it's a little dramatic, but it is true. I am a compulsive overeater and hate myself with a serious passion. I have been eating myself into morbid obesity with the subconscious intent of removing myself from the world, in essence, seeking death. You might say, 'hey, buy a gun!' or 'jump off a cliff', but me and people like me are also cowards. Lacking any sort of strong intention or tenacity, I have unconsciously decided that if I eat enough people will eventually leave me alone for good. Alone to do whatever I want without restriction. No responsibilities, no one to look down on me, no one to care for, no one at all. This of course I figured out finally would actually be death. Some utopia where I am the only one can't exist. Even if I could do such a thing I would die from boredom, or just from death. It is the same. Eating myself into congestive heart failure is the method I have chosen, and thus far thankfully it has proven highly inefficient.

I have a wonderful wife, and much to look forward to because of her and whatever small things I have been able to do for myself. This intervention is the only reason I am most likely not in either very sick or dead today, but even with these things at 377 pounds and climbing I am sure to get sick soon. It can't go on like this much longer. I have a child who needs a father who isn't going to embarrass him by riding around on a 'road weasel' or whatever. He is very small now, but I still have problems handling him and not getting winded. So, what to do?

I am in Overeaters Anonymous and it's great there, people are super and there's many involved who have found a way out of the mess I am in now. Wonderful, but I am still not abstinent from eating entire cakes or multiple bags of candy at a sitting. I had a little success (about three months), but have since gone back to my old habits with a vengeance. It's a stupid, ugly thing, but I can't stop myself and that is the definition of a compulsion.

I have scads of other problems as I am a human being like you, but I have as this point been unable to connect to anyone in a way I can consider totally honest. So here's where the blog comes in. I will try to document my life as I attempt to get abstinent again, blab about just about anything really so long as it's part of my internal dialogue. Hopefully what I share with you will help me suss out this crap, and if you get something from it, all the better.

In the 12-step tradition of anonymity I am using a moniker, and will use a moniker for anyone I talk about, but for reference I want to let you know that I am in my early thirties, married with one child, and I work for a software company. All of this being true you can imagine that I am also a bit of a geek, as in; Star Wars, video games and D&D, but I won't talk about that stuff too often if you're lucky. Those are my particulars, basically. Well, that and that I can't keep my hands of Ho hos but I think we went over that already.

One more thing, Region Six is the administrative designation for my area of the country in the OA world service. I've lived here all my life.